#5: Mercenary's Promise by Sharon McClellan:
She'd rotated into the point position earlier, eager to cover ground and confident in her abilities, her strength, and that while desert knowledge wasn't applicable in the Colombian jungle, basic survival principles remained the same.
But that was two hours ago and between the ache in her biceps and shoulder that came from swinging the machete and now what she'd forever call 'the tiny frog incident', her confidence was waning.
She hacked at a thick vine and the machete stuck halfway. Her shoulders slumped, and it took all her strength to not drop to her knees in defeat. Her words from yesterday echoed in her head. You can set me in the middle of nowhere--jungle or desert--with nothing but a knife and the clothes on my back, I'll walk out of there alive.
Well, she'd live as long as she avoided frogs.
Synopsis: A Utah wilderness guide lures a mercenary into the jungles of Colombia under false pretenses to rescue her younger sister. Who she hates.
Uh, in a nutshell? NO.
This book is so terrible, I kept cracking up throughout, and hollering choice bits at my husband through the house. Good thing the dogs are not easily scandalized.
Bethany Darrow is a wilderness guide whose younger sister was kidnapped by a rebel faction while doing engineering surveys in Colombia. After the engineering firm abandons the Darrows, Bethany travels to Colombia and lies to a man with very large muscles and a gun, who coincidentally--I'll say that again: coincidentally--has a stake in the rebel group games. They rescue the sister, fall in love, have hot sex in the jungle, escape from two different rebel groups and Bethany kills her first man. Happily ever...
Let's count the terrible, shall we?
1. It's never clear what kind of guide Bethany is. Hiking? Whitewater? Backpacking? Climbing? No, not climbing, because she finds a climbing harness in her backpack (Xavier put it there) and marvels at its strangeness.
2. Xavier and his men trust this girl, this complete stranger, to lead the expedition through the jungle, even allowing her to keep the true location of where they're going Totally Sekrit.
3. Bethany is the world's worst guide. Bugs? EEK! Frogs? EEK! Heights? EEK! Thorns? EEK! The jungle is hot and viney and hard to get through. *pout* WAH. And not only is she the worst guide ever, she is obnoxious and whiny and--I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--tries to have a relationship talk with Xavier in the middle of them escaping from the rebel group. *blink*
4. The main crux of the plot revolves around how Xavier's fee is half a million dollars. And Bethany lies and says yup, all good. Then secretly she sobs, fist in mouth, because she doesn't have the money. She only has three hundred thousand dollars and it's just not--
Wait. What's that sound? Do y'all hear it?
It's like, like...like the sound of pounding hoofbeats and--OMG!
Here they come, ladies and gentlemen, to jump up and down on the idea that a wilderness guide of any stripe, in her twenties, no less, has THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Y'all are going to have to excuse me while I go re-up my Swift Water Rescue certification, as I totally missed the bit where I could make THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS being a guide. Unless her guiding service includes, dude, I don't even know, blowjobs on the side of Mt Ararat or while whipping through Class V rapids, I can't even begin to-- no, just no. Just--
*WHINNNY*
Also, Bethany is dumb as a bag of hammers and half as charming. There's this one part where--no wait, hang on, let me just--okay, breathing. After being trained in mercenary hand signals, Bethany is in camp with Xavier when:
Xavier edged around the corner of the hut, one hand behind him, palm out in a gesture that most of the world recognized as "talk to the hand." For her, it meant to stop and wait.
Wow. Most of the world, huh? You're going to have to forgive me if I fail to believe that Bedouins, living in the seclusion of the desert, or remote rainforest tribes, or Eritrea as a country, watch Jerry Springer and allow him to dictate how they translate non-verbal signals. But yeah Bethany, good job relearning that hand signal.
I spent most of the book hoping she'd be eaten by jaguars. For real.
Um, something positive to say. Something positive. Something.
Um. Ooh! The mechanics of McClellan's language are smooth. You never see an awkward turn of phrase or a bobble in who did what when.
Whew.
Unfortunately, this is overshadowed by a romance as sexy as three-week old bread, two-dimensional characterization, logic fail that pretty much backflips into the foam fail pit,
But now I know. You can make a fortune guiding. Please forward my mail to Wyoming, effective immediately.